Quite some days ago, I stored the link to this post on “Girl with a one-track mind” in my OneNote to write about it as soon as I got to it. Then I stumbled over a new article at “The F-Word” yesterday.
It seems as if forty years of women’s liberation (I’m counting the 1968 student revolution as the starting point) have not liberated women’s sexuality a lot. If it’s still thought a woman cannot write about sex (or rather: about liking sex), then something is seriously going wrong. And if women still think masturbation is something dirty, then there is something even more seriously going wrong.
Women, it seems, still are not supposed to like sex. Or rather: they are not supposed to like sex unless a man is getting off during it. Instead of liberating women’s sexuality, the liberation rather seems to have liberated men’s sexuality. What a surprise...
Seriously, a woman’s sexuality should start with herself, just as a man’s does. Teenage boys are not shy when it comes to masturbation, neither do they think it’s wrong or dirty (at least not any longer ... old horror stories about masturbation die hard). It’s natural to them. They feel needy, they get it done, they feel better.
After browsing through the article at “The F-Word”, I realized I’d had an early start at masturbation: I started at 11, although not really knowing what I did (I just knew it felt good when I touched myself in a certain way). And for years and years (I mean, I’m 33 by now), I mostly did it with my fingers alone ... although mostly because only recently (about a year ago) I gathered enough courage to enter a sex-shop for the first time.
And no, it’s not the way it’s usually pictured in movies. It’s probably not any more dignified than it is when men do it. But it’s just as funny and feels just as good (I guess, can’t compare, can I?).
And yes, a woman who knows her body well surely has more fun during sex with a man, too. If you don’t know what makes you feel ‘really good’, then how are you supposed to make sure a boyfriend does the things you like best? Men ‘train’ both their bodies and their ability to use them while wanking (sorry, masturbating of course). Women are just supposed to do whatever their boyfriends/husbands like. I guess men like it that way. After all, they get all the satisfaction they want and do not have to deal with wishes from their girlfriend/wife.
I really believe Abby Lee has gotten a good insight in her body when actively exploring herself, her needs, her wants and her lust. And I believe both she and her sex partners profit from this. She writes freely about her sexual experiences, because she’s completely okay with the fact she’s a sexual being. Most women (to a certain extent also including me) are not that free of old morals and expectations.
For a long time, women were basically denied the ability to enjoy sex by scientists or doctors (mostly men ... surprise?). Especially Christianity and its ‘sibling religions’ (Judaism and Islam) deny women the right and/or ability to enjoy sex. A woman is supposed to have sex so she can give birth to more believers. It’s not necessary for her to like it, because it’s her husband’s god-given right to take her whenever he wants to. Men, therefore, should probably enjoy sex, so they want it quite often and thus have more chances of actually fathering children.
Nature, on the other hand, didn’t design humans to live with one partner alone. Our physical design suggests it - mostly you can see immediately whether someone is male or female, a sure sign for species that live polygamous. (Or so biologists say.) But if, by nature, women are not designed to spent their lives with one partner, doing whatever this partner tells them, they, too, should enjoy sex so they will have it quite often. See the problem here?
The whole patriarchy only works as long as women allow it to go on. If women all decided to have sex whenever they want and with whomever they want, no man could still be sure whether a child is his or not. Women still could be, though. If they’ve given birth to it, a child is theirs (otherwise they will know, as they will have actively worked on getting impregnated by technical means).
That, I think, is the real reason for the different ways men and women (or rather boys and girls) are taught when it comes to sex. Today, the media and everyone else basically tells boys masturbation is okay. It’s good for you and you’re naturally inclined to do it anyway. Beyond the surface, the message to girls is differently. Officially, of course, they are told the same. But whenever nobody is officially listening, the message still says: “Masturbation is dirty and bad, don’t do it, just have sex with a boy, not with yourself.” Unnecessary to say, your chances for an orgasm are a lot higher when you’re having sex with yourself... Otherwise nobody will come out satisfied.
If girls could masturbate just like boys (and talk about it just as easily), then life would change. Because then, the girls could and would say ‘do it this way around’ or ‘I like it more like that’ instead of just saying ‘you were great’, although they’re wondering whether he’s started already. If they knew their body as well as a boy, they would know what to do with it and how to get satisfaction for themselves during sex.
I personally have not really discussed my sex life with my mother, but we did have short talks about masturbation when I was out of my teenage years (during that time I would have been far too ashamed to talk about it with anybody ... didn’t stop me from doing it, though). My mother at least admitted that masturbation does have its good points, for women as well as for men. But I could hardly discuss my vibrators with her, even today.
And yes, by now I own three vibrators, all made by Fun Factory (a German company specialised on sex-toys that are mainly interesting for women). I have ‘Little Paul’ and ‘Meany’ (two basically phallic, but not penis-like vibrators) and the ‘Layaspot’, designed for clitoral stimulation only. What I like about the products of this company is their design: nice, bright colours, soft materials and a perfect balance between looks (‘Little Paul’ looks like a caterpillar and ‘Meany’ reminds me of those strange weapons old science fiction movies had) and usability. You could almost just put them on display ... without making it too obvious you’re actually showing your vibrators. Still, most of the time I finish the job with my fingers ... more reliably and, after more than twenty years, I really know where to touch and how.
Whew, that was a pretty personal post, wasn’t it? But, on the other side, if we’re not starting to talk about this with other women, how are we ever going to change anything? And it wouldn’t hurt either, if men realized good sex for women is more than the man having an orgasm.
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